1. "Politically correct is cultural Marxism." Spotted this little gem outside of a gas station that was deemed "too creepy" to actually stop and buy gas from. I don't know or care what exactly Mr. Gas Station Owner is getting at here... but I enjoy it nonetheless. Here's to Southern conservatism!
2. Those round things? Not giant marshmallows, sadly. Not even when they are wrapped in white.
3. Where else can excessive amounts of Jesus and alcohol peacefully coexist?
4. Fireworks... They're legal. :)
5. Volunteer fans: they bleed orange.
6. Advertising can be misleading. Following the giant coffee truck will in fact not lead you to a caffeine gold mine, because it is in fact not filled with coffee. Disheartening, to say the least.
7. When facing the debacle of two five gallon buckets stuck together by some idiots who failed to clean up their QuikCrete properly, do not panic. You may try to separate them using soap, water, or even complicated twisting and pulling motions preformed by the two strongest men you can find... But in the end, the solution is to just hand me the bucket. I will promptly huck it onto the gravel driveway and the two buckets will miraculously separate. True story.
8. Sun Drop: elixir of the Gods. At something like 190 calories per can (aka a motherbucketload of sugar and unknowable amounts of caffeine), this stuff gets you seriously jacked up.
9. Now this one scares me... For some reason, the good people of the Cumberland Mountains have a creepy obsession with plastic deer and oversized ceramic cats. And I do mean an obsession: picture freeze-dance deer staring at you from all sides as you drive down the street. And it's not as if there aren't already enough real cats around... Freaky as all hell, I tell you.
10. The bugs there are all on steroids. The beetles are the size of baby turtles and the supersized moths have faces. FACES. When you discover a small flying reptile in your hair... or when you come home and find twenty pictures of manure on your camera... well, then you'll realize you never did like things that crawl, even if the butterflies in your pictures of horse crap are quite beautiful.
11. In the South, window signs like "Dip Snap 4 JC" will actually work, providing hours of entertainment for the long trip back home to the godless North, where people would rather "Face Eternal Damnation" than "Honk for Jesus."
12. Never wrap an extension cord too tightly around your forearm... It doesn't always come off so easily.
13. What does a baby mule look like six hours after being born? Like this.
14. The sunrise is worth getting up at 4:30 AM for.
15. Carrying around a travel-sized, plush primate is not an adequate replacement for your significant other. Even if you prop him up next to your plate of scrambled eggs at breakfast in the mess hall. It won't make you miss him any less, and people will just stare at you.